I pass through the kitchen, and halt, watching you as you rummage through the refrigerator. I nearly smile, almost, before walking into the room. "Duo," I say in a monotone. "You're going to be late for the mission."
"Aw, c'mon, koi, we got five minutes." You flash me a grin, your violet eyes shining with exuberance and cheer. You know that I hate denying you things. You know that I wish that I could give you everything that you ever wanted, which is everything you deserve.
Of course, you deserve more.
"Now, Duo." I try to make my voice sharp, commanding, but it comes out in a hush, almost a request more than a demand. You make a face at me, and make your peanut butter and jelly sandwich with amazing speed anyway. Do you ever listen to me?
I leave the kitchen to go to the hangar, and climb up to Wing's cockpit. Her metal dials and levers are smooth, familiar; Duo has accused me of loving Wing more than I do him, even though he's my lover. He's even gone so far as to ask if I sleep with my Gundam. I always glare at him, and I
know he's joking, but I know there's pain there. I know that I hurt him, but there's nothing I can do about it.
In way, he's right: I do love Wing more than him. I love Wing because I
know her, know what she'll do. There are no surprises about my Gundam,
because I've programmed her to be perfect. Flawless, like a clear, faceted
diamond that nothing can crack.
Of course, that was before I learned that everything, even diamonds, can be
broken.
I caress the starting lever with a lover's touch, and flip it up. Wing
comes alive; I can feel her moving under me, all around me, within me. Yes,
I suppose
Duo's even right in that I sleep with my Gundam. Sounds like it, anyway,
like those cheap dime novels that I've found in Duo's dresser drawer.
I walk Wing out of the hangar, and take off. It will take several hours to
get out into space, away from Earth's gravitational pull, so I knew that we
couldn't wait. As I pull into the dark, overcast sky, I can almost hear
Duo calling behind me, talking to his Gundam, and eating his silly peanut
butter and jelly sandwich.
[In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along]
"Not now, Duo, I have to finish this write-up." My eyes are locked on my
laptop screen, my fingers flying over the familiar plastic keys. My vision
blurs slightly as Duo leans over my shoulder, caressing my chest and biting
my ear slightly. He knows I like that, the devil. With no little effort, I
shrug him off. "I said, not now. Go to bed."
He grumbles to himself for a little while as he strips off his suit of black
and undoes his hair. Another weakness that he knows of. His eyes dart over
to me
occasionally as he slowly undoes the braid, and shakes out the rippling
waves the braid shapes it into. He slowly, seductively, takes a hairbrush
from the dresser and draws it down his hair.
He doesn't know that I'm not watching.
He does know that he drives me mad with his sensual play. He does know that
I rarely smile any more. He does know that I am devoted to the mission, and
that more often than not, the mission comes before he does.
He knows so much, and yet knows nothing at all. Yes, he knows he drives me
mad, but does he know how dirty I feel afterwards? When he can draw me away
from something I try so hard to concentrate on, and that that's the reason
why I can be so rough in my lovemaking. He doesn't know that I treasure
these interruptions almost as much as I despise them.
He knows that I rarely smile, and he knows why. But he doesn't know that I
know how much he treasures each one. He doesn't know that I watch him as he
looks at the only picture he has of me. He clutches at it as if it were a
salvation of some kind, caresses my photographed face with gentle, trailing
fingertips. I watch, and I wish that I could do the same to him, and yet I
know that I never could.
He knows I am devoted to the mission.
He does not know the reason why.
He doesn't know how painful feelings are. He doesn't know that while one
can bask in love like the flames of a fire, that the only one question
remains. Not when one will be burned, but simply how much. The pain, the
suffering, is as inevitable as the sunrise that makes me flee his embrace.
I watch the look on his face; I can tell that he's soaking in the my body
warmth and the feeling of salvation like it's his only link to Heaven, but
in the end, after the warmth becomes not the melting pleasure of sunlight
but the agonizing pain and heat of Hell, that I will be burned. Burned
badly.
I can't risk that. I build a wall around my heart, a secret garden that I
escape to whenever I feel the flames licking hungrily, greedily, too closely
to what remains of what little heart and soul I possess. Anything is
better. It has to be. For if it's not worth it, than I will have hurt Duo
for no reason. And I simply can't, can't risk that.
[I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self-defense]
"Heero?" you whisper, enfolded in my arms. I clutch at you tighter, laying
my lips on your hair. It's a mockery of a touch of love; it's the only way
I know how to silence you.
No, it's not because I don't like to hear you talk. You fill the silence,
the empty void that fills my world, but you ask me questions. You make me
be the one filling that silence, and I can't think of the words to say.
"Heero..." Your tone is firmer now. "Tell me something." I hold you
silently, which you take as acquiescence. "Heero... what happened when you
were little? What were you like?"
I sigh. You're in one of your moods where you're going to get me to talk,
no matter what you need to do to make me do so. "What do you want to know?"
"Did you never smile? Have you always been so emotionless?" Your voice is
quiet, almost like you don't want to know the answer and regret asking.
I roll away, and stare blankly up into the darkness. The dirty glass window
is immersed in the pale glow of starlight, but the rays dare not travel
beyond the windowsill. You call my name, and I sigh.
"No, I used to smile," I say simply.
You're quiet for a few minutes, as if thinking it over. "What happened?"
you ask quietly.
"A murder."
In a less serious situation, I know that you would have made a face, and
told me that making me talk was like pulling teeth. In this, though, you
wrap your arms around my shoulders and rest your chin on my shoulder. "Go
on."
I give up. You're not going to quit. "A few years ago, I was sitting in
the park. I was young, and innocent; the kind of kid that would look at
clouds in the sky and look for animals and teapots.
"A little girl with light brown hair and a white dress walked up to me. She
had a little puppy on a red leash that was examining me and the grass that I
was sitting on. The little girl handed me a flower, a little weed that she
must have plucked from one of the gardens. 'Are you lost?' she asked me. I
took the flower, clutching it. 'I've been lost my whole life.'
"I kept the flower for a long time, dried and pressed between two pages in a
book. I lost it after a little while.
"But that night I had a mission to destroy an OZ base. A mecha was standing
up to me, and I shot it in a vital part of the machine. It collapsed, and
took down a nearby apartment building with it.
"After the fight, I went to the site of the destroyed building. There was
rubble everywhere: shattered blocks of cement, bent iron bars the size of my
waist
in diameter, and bodies. I picked my way through it for an hour or so, and
then I saw it." I trail off, my hold on your body becoming slack and loose.
You hold me tighter, as if to make up for it.
"What did you see, Heero?" you whisper.
"The puppy. It was curled up by a block of cement, its fur singed and
dirty. I never found the body of the little girl. I picked up her puppy,
and held it.
Just held it. I took the long way back to where I was staying. It began to
snow a little bit, but I didn't feel the cold at all."
"And you've never forgiven yourself for that," you comment sadly. I shake
my head.
"There's no way I ever can, Duo. Her blood and the blood of thousands of
little girls like her. I'll never be able to wash it off, Duo. Never."
[And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose]
You're silent for a few minutes, than you kiss my lips gently. You press my
shoulders down, then deepen the kiss. I can feel myself throb in response,
but you hold my arms down.
"No, not now," you whisper softly. "I'm in control. Let me wash the blood
away, Heero. Let me help you live with yourself." I have no choice but to
let you, to let you continue this kiss.
We're already naked, but you straddle my hips with the sheet between us. I
can feel your heat radiating through the flimsy material, and my skin burns
with heat. You rub my shoulders gently, then kiss my face. My cheeks, my
nose, my chin, my eyelids, and, finally, find my lips again. You cup my
face with gentle hands, and slide the sheets down my body.
My breath catches as your roving mouth trails down my throat, pausing for
but a moment at the pulse in my neck, before moving on along my collarbones.
You rub my stiff muscles in my arms, then gently knead my fingers. I
groan in response as you gently bite a fingertip, then lick it in apology.
You do the same for my other arm, then my chest. My skin is becoming slick
with sweat; my eyes are unfocused and staring into the nearly palpable
darkness. But now you're here; I'm not alone. Gods, don't let me be alone
anymore... My breath catches as your tongue swirls around my navel; you
know I'm ticklish. I squirm a little bit before you begin to knead away the
tension from my abdominal muscles. Your hands are strong, stronger than
they look. But then again I have always underestimated you; you look frail
with your pale skin and your girlish hourglass figure and long legs.
You slide down farther; I can feel your breath curling and twisting around
my manhood. A choked groan forms in the back of my throat. I know that
we've done this a million times before, but this time is different...
Somehow. I don't know how. Our first time was rushed, hurried; it had been
only minutes before we collapsed into each other's arms, soaked in our own
sweat and your tears of release and pain. I hadn't known it would hurt you,
koi, I'm sorry. I thought you were the experienced one.
You simply grinned at me, and told me that it hurt for everyone their first
time. I still wish that I could have spared you that.
My thoughts jerk back to the present with a jolt as your hot, wet mouth
envelopes me. A keening whine builds into the back of my throat as you
nudge me slightly, as if unsure as what to do. Then, with a single fluid
motion, you envelope me and suck, humming in the back of your throat. And
the sensations... god, the sensations are killing me... Pleasure radiates
from between my legs, fanning out along my body and intense waves. My
hands, feet, and face begin to tingle from the blood rushing through my
body; my heart beats frantically to keep up.
I groan, almost coming, before you back away. I can feel the pleading fill
my eyes are I watch you straddle my hips. I swear I could have heard you
whisper that you love me...
All thoughts scatter as you ease yourself down onto me. I'm still
lubricated from our last bout of sex, so your decadence is smooth and
unfaltering. Finally, when I'm buried to the hilt, you move, rocking our
hips together in a sweet incandescence that's dance-like in its beauty. Oh,
god, that feels so good... You nearly fall onto me, and you catch my mouth
with your own.
With a sweet, teasing taste, you lick my lower lip. I open my mouth to
grant you access, and you fill me almost like I'm filling you. I twine my
tongue around yours, wanting, needing deeper contact.
I reach down, and grasp your manhood, pumping my hand up and down your
length. You gasp, and draw my tongue deeper into my mouth. I smile
slightly, no more than a lightning-fast quirk of the mouth, but you know
it's there. You rock against my hips, building up a rhythm.
You come first. With the triple pleasure of my mouth on yours, my hands on
your length, and myself deep inside of you, you cry out into my mouth.
Fueled by your passion, I come into you.
You lower yourself down onto my chest, and clutch me. Our bodies, slick
with sweat, seem to melt together and join. You roll off, pulling me with
you so I'm still deep inside of your body, and you wrap your legs around me,
pulling yourself closer.
"I love you..." comes that near-silent whisper.
The 'near-silent', for I heard you.
I hold you close, and a single tear falls onto your hair. Don't love me,
Duo. I'm not worth your love. Despite that love, despite your trying to
convince me of my holiness, my hands are sullied by blood that can never be
truly washed away.
[But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break]
"I can't do this anymore!" you shout. I look up, the surprise I feel not
reflecting in my eyes.
"What." I say. It's more a comment than a question.
"Your silence, your degrading comments on my fighting and my personality,
just... you!"
"What do you mean?" I can hear a touch of panic edging into my voice. This
doesn't mean what I think you're saying. It can't mean that. It simply
can't.
I turn away from the laptop, and stand up. I'm a couple inches taller than
you are, but you seem so much taller in your anger.
"Heero, I have put up with so much from you! You tell me I'm a liability.
I can stand being a liability. You tell me that I talk too much, and I can
stand being told that. Hell, I'm proud of it. But you've been sleeping
with me for seven months, Heero. Seven months! What am I to you? A
friend? A lover? Simply warmth in the night, a doll to pour your anger and
frustrations into? What am I?"
'Everything,' a voice in my mind cries out. 'You're everything to me. You
keep me sane! You're all of those things!' I'm silent, and I try to make
my eyes portray that words that I cannot speak.
"Tell me, Heero. That damned dead dog of yours talks more than you do!"
Before I even realize I've done it, you're reeling back, clutching at a red,
hand-shaped mark on your cheek.
"Don't ever speak of that again," I rasp out, my cobalt eyes spitting fire.
"Fine," you spit, equally angry. "You'll never have to hear it again. Hey,
you know what? You'll never have to hear me again. I'm leaving." All
anger leaves my body, like having a bucket of icy water poured over me.
No you're not... You can't be.
"Wanna bet?" you snarl. I hadn't even realized I had spoken the words aloud
until you responded to them. "Watch me, Mr. Perfect Soldier. 'Cause that's
all you ever are, and all you ever will be. A robot whose programming goes
as far as sex, but stops just short of lovemaking."
"Don't go, Duo. Please, don't leave me." I'm begging, Duo! I have never
begged in my entire life! Please, Duo, please don't leave me. You're my
other half, the better half that makes me whole. I'll do anything, Duo.
Anything.
Your eyes soften at my pleading tone, but your resolve is firm. "I have to
go, Heero. Please don't stop me. Don't make this harder than it has to
be."
"Why?" My question is quiet, and holds desperation. A desperation that Duo
hasn't thought this out, that if I pointed out that he has no real reason
that he won't go. False hope clutches me in its grasp, and forces me to
believe that he might stay if I hope hard enough.
"Because, koi..." You sigh, and throw another black shirt into your case.
"Because you mean too much. I loved you, d'you know that? I fucking loved
you! You degraded me, told me I wasn't enough, and would never be enough.
You stole from me, not just parts from my Gundam, but my virginity. No, I
take that back. You didn't steal it, I gave it to you, and all I asked for
in return was your love. But you couldn't have even given that." You bite
off a harsh word as you slam the top of the case shut and latch it.
You look around the room, searching for something that you might want or
need. I can see your eyes resting on your one picture of me; its faded
edges are torn and bent, and several creases mar the photograph. You tear
your eyes away from it to rest on mine.
"Koi..." I choke out. It's the first time that I've ever called you that,
and your eyes widen slightly. "Koi, please, don't go... Don't leave me..."
This desperation makes my tongue loose, and I say things that I thought I
never would have the courage to utter. I reach for you, if only to try to
break this spell that holds you in its thrall.
With a cry, you throw yourself away from my touch. "No," you say, your
violet eyes wild and shimmering with tears. "Don't make this harder than it
has to be."
"I can change..." I throw out a promise; anything to keep you from walking
out of my life.
"No." You shake your head, and walk in a parabola to avoid me. You face me
the entire time, keeping your back from me, like prey watches the hunter.
"No, Heero, you can't."
"Please, give me a chance!"
"No, love, I can't do that. You've hurt me too badly, and you're going to
continue to hurt me. Nothing can change than. Not I can, not you can, not
even God can. It's who you are. Goodbye, Heero."
With that, you turn, unlatch the door, and walk out. You hesitate slightly,
just an instant, but then you leave. Walking out of our current home.
Walking out of my sight. Walking out of my life, and out of my world.
I fall to the ground, and do something that I have not done since I was very
young.
I hold onto my knees, and let the tears come.
[And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows]
I go on with my life. Well, try to, at least. I failed my last mission,
did you know that? I barely got away alive. Wing was so battered that she
had to be in the shop for over two weeks. And do you know why I failed that
mission? Because I swear I could have heard you. I swear I heard your wild
call, crying that Shinigami was here, and that all who saw us would go to
Hell.
I was so sure that I heard it, that I spent precious minutes staring at the
screen, praying that your Gundam would come up on my radar screen.
Of course, it never did.
I saw Relena yesterday. She asked me how I was, and I just ignored her. I
had to bodyguard her at some convention. She didn't seem to mind that I
pretended that she wasn't there. She simply would talk at me. "Isn't this
wonderful, Heero-sama?" and "Stand closer, Heero-sama, I don't want people
to think I don't have someone to protect me."
I could hardly stand it.
At one point, she pulled me into the corner of the room. "I like you,
Heero-sama, you know that," she whispered. There was a catch to her voice;
I think she was trying to sound seductive. But she doesn't know that you
know. She will never know.
First of all, I don't like blondes. I like chestnut hair that's tied back
into a long braid that falls below the wearer's hips.
I don't like rich people. All they can think about are their whims, their
wants, their wishes. I prefer people who grew up on the street. People who
know what suffering is. People who would give away their last bit of bread
in exchange for a smile and a friendship.
And, of course, I don't like girls.
She pressed herself up against my body, and tried to pull my head down so
she could kiss me. I pulled back, and hauled my head out from her grip. I
pulled my gun out of its holster, and pointed it at her.
"Do not ever do that again, Relena," I told her. She frowned. I don't know
if it was because I wouldn't let her kiss me, or because I simply called her
Relena. Not Relena-sama, not Relena-chan, not Relena-san. That's because
she isn't anything special. She's simply a girl who happened to be born of
the right family. Any other girl could be "Queen of the World" in her
position, if they had been a Peacecraft. It just happened to be her.
A guard saw my gun, and called the alarm. I glared at Relena as they
neared, then opened a nearby window, slid out, and escaped on my motorcycle.
They didn't follow me, supposedly at Relena's command.
I got Quatre to switch with me. He's inconspicuous, and no one would ever
realize that he could be a threat. He asked why I couldn't want to
bodyguard "Relena-san".
I think we both know the answer to that question.
[So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break]
I saw you for the first time in months today. You've grown. You're taller,
more muscular. I couldn't hear your speak, but I think your voice is
deeper, too. You flash me a grin and the sign for victory, but I could see
the wall of ice build up in your eyes.
I walk over; you're talking with the master of the school about your room.
I wait patiently, then, when you're done, pull you around the corner of the
building, away from prying eyes.
"It's been a long time, Heero," you say quickly, almost easily, with your
manic grin in place. I know that it's not real, Duo. Stop pretending.
"Yes, it has," I say instead. I chew on a lip, trying to think of what to
say. I've imagined this moment so many times, but now that it's come, my
thoughts are scattered and my mind blank.
"Ano, Heero, if you don't mind, buddy, I gotta get going to my gym class..."
"Don't go," I whisper, my eyes filled with pleading.
Your eyes seem to radiate hurt too, but your grin stays in place. "Heero,
the teacher's going to yell at me if I'm late..."
"The gym teacher can go fuck himself." Your eyes widen at this display of
emotion. "I need to talk to you."
"What's there to talk about, Heero? Besides the rise in taxes, that is."
Your voice holds a hint of acid sarcasm; I hate it when you talk to me like
that.
"Duo..." I chew my lip harder. I've never been good at emotional speeches,
but even when I've had to make them before, I've never been this nervous.
Do you see what you've done to me, Duo? I'm scared, Duo. I'm scared that
you don't love me anymore, even though I love you now. I'm scared that you
won't want me back. "Duo, I'm sorry." There, I said it. I don't think you
have any idea how hard that was for me.
"Heero, man, get over it. We're done."
"Why."
You sigh in frustration, and fiddle with the end of your braid. "Heero, I
told you before. We're incompatible. We just won't work out. I like to
talk with people, not at them. I want someone who can accept me for who I
am. I need someone who will encourage me, who'll help me when I've hit a
rough time. I gave you a second chance, Heero. Hell, I gave you a hundred
chances. But you never changed, and you never changed."
"I didn't know, Duo!" My voice cracks, and tears form in my eyes. You're
going to do it. You're actually going to walk out of my life without a look
back. I throw out the only weapon in the pitiful arsenal that I have left.
"I love you, Duo. You can't leave me. Please, you can't..."
"It's too late, Heero." You start to back away, your eyes never leaving
mine. They hold sorrow, even anguish, but they're firm. You feel you have
to do this, and that nothing will change that. "It was always too late."
You turn, and walk sedately to your next class.
Your hips sway seductively, your braid tangles in your backpack. You grin
and swear as you pull it out. A couple of girls walk up to you, and you
smile to them as you unravel your braid from your bag. You wink at one of
them, who giggles. The two girls walk away with you, and you're telling
them a story of some kind. I can tell in how you gesture with your hands.
I sigh, and lean back against the wall. I slide down it, and then sit down
when I reach the ground. The tears are gone now. Tears come from hope, did
you know that? But my eyes are dry, because there's no hope to be had.
There's nothing left. I have no reasons for you, no logic, no arguments.
Some Perfect Soldier I am. My arsenal is empty, and I'm helpless.
You won't and can't take me back. I understand that. I wish I didn't; I'm
not even allowed the hope of denial. I only wish that it could, somehow, be
different. I wish that I were someone else. I wish I were someone who
deserves you, someone who could listen to your stories, compliment your
fighting skills, someone who would help you and talk to you instead of
hiding behind a mask of wires and metal. I wish I could love you the way
you deserve to be loved.
I hope you find a man, or a woman, like that someday.
I simply wish that I could be that man.
[And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows] |
